If ya love the Lord, then give me all your money!

Sunday nights in the summer have long been a time of rest an relaxation for me. I think it's my desire to do nothing exerting itself before the work week starts yet again. However, on one such Sunday I had been incredibly busy, and so on that night I had forgotten that it was, in fact, still the weekend. So, after the 11pm local news which I don't watch, I turned on my local CBS affiliate with plans to watch Letterman. Much to my surprise it was not Letterman that came on, instead, it was what at first looked like another news program. It was about this time where I realized, "D'oh! It's still Sunday. Letterman's not on."

However, me being the male that I am and the TV already having been turned on, I sat down to watch it anyways. I was about to change the channel when I realized what this show was. It was "Jack Van Impe Presents", a televangelist's news show. I now really intended to change the channel but the things he was saying just kept me frozen with my hand on the remote for the full half hour. Inspired by Dr. Impe's words, I came to one oft he most profound realizations of my life -- "Wow, televangelists really ARE complete morons."

For the... 100% of you that have never had the pleasure of seeing this show broadcast, allow me to give you a general description of his typical broadcast. The show begins with the dramatic logo which looks stunningly similar to the logo for "As the World Turns" (ahem, not that I watch soap operas... often). Next, Dr. Impe's wife, Rexella (If you think that name sounds like something out of a porno... then you are a filthy, filthy person. Or at the least have not seen Rexella Impe and know why thinking about her in porno is the last thing I need a mental image of.), reviews the some of the news stories of the past week in her best hypnotists' voice. She then brings up one of the stories and sends it over to Jack. Jack then quotes several arbitrary passages from the Bible and shows how the news story is a sign of the coming Apocalypse. Rexella then give him another news piece he does the same thing, just with a different Bible quote. After a few more, they let the announcer take it who then advertises a video created by Impe's company that is supposed to explain one aspect of the impending Doom or another, most of them using the Book of Revelations as their primary source, for a mere $19.99.

For those of you have never read that particular book of the Bible, it describes the second coming of Christ, the Beast, the Four Horsemen, the stars falling from the sky, etc. It is probably the most ambiguous piece of literature in existence (including your college differential equations textbook). So much so in fact, that people have been claiming all the signs have been fulfilled since 1000 A.D.

If you still are giving Dr. Impe the benefit of a doubt, allow me to describe some of his preachings that I heard after watching one of his shows:

1) Pollution is a sign of the Apocalypse, we don't need to worry about cleaning it up since we should be preparing to welcome Christ in His second coming.

2) The European Union is the Roman Empire reborn. It is an evil organization of sin created by Satan himself. The anti-Christ will rise out of the European Union in the near-future. Every action the EU takes is a sign of the coming Apocalypse.

3) The 3rd Heaven (Apparently, even God can be evicted twice if He accumulates too much credit card debt) is some hundreds of billion miles out in space. The next Heaven will be here on Earth after the Apocalypse.

And that's just one of them. Pat Robertson just this week called for a man to be assassinated. Of, course, he later apologized for such an un-Christian-like comment, calling for the murder of another man.

Ah, yes, televangelists are more funny than I could ever hope to be. So, Americans, continue to send these guys your paychecks so that they can continue to provide the nation some of the best comedy in existence.


Update on last week's topic: MMORPGs apparently have a stronger influence over Chinese people. In response to video game exhaustion deaths and a few real life murders over thefts in MMORPGs, the Chinese government has revealed a system that will limit the amount of time a person can play an MMORPG consecutively. In this system, a person can play an MMORPG for three hours straight before their character's level is reduced by half. You must then not play and find something else to do (or in MMORPGers case, sit and stare at the login screen) for five hours before your character's level is restored.

If you are Chinese, Just Say No to MMORPGs.